I know that God is busy and up to his plans and sometimes I wish he’d let me in on them. But since he hasn’t yet, I wait. I have felt this odd sense of being alone, but not being lonely. I have felt like I’m standing on a rock all by myself, but I know I am not standing there alone. I feel singled out, weird and alone in my thoughts, but not in my heart. My heart feels solid, true and pointed in the right direction. Things that I used to place great importance on have taken a back seat to what is really important…following God with every ounce of me.
I don’t do it well and I am still learning how to follow Him. I just know that I am being called to DO it. I am being told to put things behind me, to not get too close to those boundary lines-not even by a toe. I have seen myself teeter and totter along that line over the past few months. It’s hard to stay where God wants you. It takes every ounce of energy you have and then some. The world has a way of sneaking in and saying, “do this, or do that-it’s okay just this once.” But you know what? It’s not okay just once. I have fought and fought this over the past 6 months. It’s okay to have a drink, it’s okay to get a tattoo, it’s okay to take a pill to lose weight, it’s okay to have sex before marriage, it’s okay to have an abortion and the list goes on and on. According to the world all of those things are okay to do, but they aren’t okay for me to do. Why? Do I think I am better than the next ? No. I know that if I have a drink I will want another drink and another and another until I get drunk. I can’t drink. Drinking doesn’t like me and quite frankly I don’t care for it anymore either. I have struggled with wanting a tattoo, getting a tattoo and even drawing art for a tattoo. Yet I never get one. Why? Because for me, it’s not what God wants from me. Oh, I want one and because I am an artist and I love beautiful art the temptation to go get one is always there, yet I don’t. Why? Because something inside of me says no. I cannot explain it and I don’t need to. It’s the same thing that tells me it’s not okay to take a pill to lose weight. Quite a few years ago I had breast reduction surgery and I have even had 2nd thoughts on that. Too late now. Some things you just can’t take back or turn around. I know my limitations. I know I have an addictive personality and that I would just want more of these things. This is why I don’t do them at all. I just can’t. God wants me to depend on him and not anything else. He is to be my satisfaction, my all in all, my high, my tattoo, my love drug. Whatever. You get the point. Just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean I’m going to do it. I have issues with being rebellious and this is where I often fall. Sometimes I just say , “ I don’t care anymore and I’m going to do what I want to do.” I have heard myself saying this over and over in the past few months. The rebel in me is rearing it’s ugly head and I have to keep pushing it down to keep it in line with God’s will. It’s not about me. My life should be about God’s business, not my own. That rebellious nature has a positive side also. When I see something going on that isn’t in line with God I’m going to stand firm on Christ the solid rock and never move. That’s what God has been teaching me how to do all of these months-to find myself in Him. To find out who I am in HIM and what can be done THROUGH HIM. My challenges are minute, but necessary for me to learn in order to move forward with God. He is showing me how to stand firm. When, why and where. He’s not going to give me anything I can’t handle and when I can handle these little things then he will give me bigger things. I firmly believe that and I see how that has happened time and time again through the Word of God. You learn this and then I’ll teach you that. 1 plus 1 = 2 , 2 plus 2 =4 and so on.
Right now I am struggling with eating issues again. This is something I have to stay on top of 24/7. If I falter the least little bit-I wind up going completely downhill. I am putting the brakes on and am having a hard time keeping them on these days. You know why? Because of that addictive personality I have. I know that I cannot be a success in this area without God. I’ve tried it all-nothing works except God. There is no magic pill or perfect potion to take. I am not a Jenny Craiger where all the food is fixed and sent to me and I’m not going to get a belly band because I would just bust it. I know my limitations. It’s got to be me and God or nothing at all. I know I will get back on track and that right now I am in a valley in this area. Part of it is that I love FALL and I love cooking and baking when the weather gets cooler and I have found myself home more and in the kitchen more. When your hubby tells you that it feels like home when you are doing these things then it makes you want to do them even more. But that doesn’t mean I have to lick every spoon and taste everything I am cooking or baking. But it’s hard not to. LOL. This is a huge temptation and struggle-one that I will always have to deal with. This is just an example of how stepping out of the boundary lines can go haywire for me. One brownie here…one plate of spaghetti there…and oh how about some bread with that? LOL It’s all so good though! BUT nothing is as good as GOD!
But let me not forget the best part-the dessert! The icing on the cake is when God hears my crying out and says, ‘ shhh, my child, it’s alright, I forgive you and I love you anyway. I’ll always love you. Keep trying and keep talking to me. I’ll show you the way. Just follow me.” Our God has the patience of no one that I know or can even describe! He loves me for me, scars, tats and all of my addictions and insecurities. Only God can give me all that I really need. When I learn that-I will have made it to heaven.