Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been – Relient K
i just wanted to say i’m sorry. i became someone i never thought i would. in the past three years, i’ve had dramatic changes in my life. i’ve fallen flat on my face, been lifted up, made amazing friends, and amazing friends left. my life has taken twists and turns down roads i didn’t even know existed. i’ve followed the wrong road signs, and the wrong advice. i’ve done terrible things to good people.
i’ve been that girl that you look at and say, “oh my gosh, she actually goes to church?” “i’ll bet she sleeps through the sermon.” i’ve also been the goody-two shoes that everyone hates. i’ve been the introvert, the nerd who knows all the answers, the weird girl who doesn’t talk, and the loud, annoying girl.
i’ve been through so much, but so little at the same time. i’ve spent years without any true best friends. i never really learned how to trust. i was insecure and i felt unloved.
but God changed all of that. He brought the most incredible, honest, trustworthy friends that anyone can have into my life, and i feel so blessed to know them. they have all changed me in their own little ways, showed me new aspects of life, introduced me to new ways of thinking, and they love me for exactly who i am. people say they wouldn’t be here without their friends, and that rings true for me, too. (i love you guys!)
my life has never been as great/amazing/fantastic as it is right now. because right now, i am completely full of God. He has not taken me by surprise; i knew He was there. i just finally gave into Him. i finally gave him my whole life, which is an amazing, unmatchable feeling. and now i can see that there is no getting used to God. how could you? i mean, the creator of the entire universe taking the time to care about me? it gives me butterflies.
no, my life isn’t perfect. my life isn’t smooth sailing or easy going. being a 16-year-old girl isn’t exactly all it’s cracked up to be. i say stupid things, make dumb decisions, and i’m still a knucklehead, as Adrian would say. but God loves me anyway, and He’s chiseling me down to my core, where He is, where my love for everything and everyone is slowly coming out of hiding. i’m getting choked up just typing this, thinking about what the future holds.
i have no idea where i’m going in this life. i don’t know for sure what i’m going to do when i get out of school, or where i’ll be three years from now. i don’t know what God has in store for me, but if God wants it, i’m all in, even if it’s something i never would have expected. He made me, i think He’s got a grip on what He’s doing. and for once, i feel like i am exactly where i’m supposed to be, and whatever happens next is supposed to happen. i’m on the right track. God is leading me and i’m happily blindfolded.
when i stopped believing in myself, it left more room to believe God knows what He’s doing.